It's been awhile...

Dear friend,

I lost myself in a song. And I started to feel something I shouldn’t be feeling again.
And for a moment I was her that day at the zoo. Sudden rush of panic.

Close your eyes. Breathe.
Close your eyes. Breathe.

For about five minutes that’s what I did. I had no reason to feel like this, but
sometimes when I’m in crowded places – alone or not – I start to feel just how she
described it. And just like it was then for her, it was consuming me today.

I’ve discovered it’s unavoidable.

Ironically, I think you feel it more when you have absolute no reason to feel it.

And I think the more you realize your love for people, the more acute the time lapses are
before then next rush of thought hits you.


I was at the Promenade today with Jenn and Shu. By the fifth hour, I was exhausted –
not so much from walking around shopping. It was more because he had been up for so
long without much sleep this past week. I opted to sit outside on a bench to try to finish
reading my book.


I took out the my new toy, selected a song called “First Love,” then opened up to the part
of the book when the main character goes to his mentor’s house at the very end of the
book. I can imagine doing so, myself. And in that moment I was not in that moment –
my mind was daydreaming in fiction, while my heart found itself trapped in a painfully
beautiful song.

I proceeded to read the story, then this part of the book really hit me – as the voice
of the woman singing reached the peak of her crescendo up into the chorus of the song.
The words read something along the lines of, “I want you to know you’re special. And
the only reason I’m telling you this is because I don’t feel like anyone ever tells you.”

I wanted to cry. I think I may have.

Then I remembered Toni at the zoo. That afternoon after lunch, Dave and
I stood up to leave and she was just frozen in her seat. She just stared off, closed her
eyes, clasped hard to her arm rests and just responded, “Give me a couple of minutes.”
Dave and I looked at each other confused.


“I’m sorry,” she apologized. “I don’t know why, but sometimes I get these feelings like
I’m totally isolated. Like I’m completely alone, and no one will ever understand me.
And it scares me. And I know when it happens I just have to get out of it as soon as
possible. It’s so weird. I don’t have any reasons to be feeling like this right now. But I
do. But I did… I needed to just get out of it.”

Dave grabbed her and hugged her – like he wanted to protect her from feeling like
that. It was one of those moments when you physically see love. Do you know what I
mean? Not the physical act of kissing or having sex – but the absolute purity and essence
of true love.

All he wanted to do was to protect her from one of the only things he really could
not protect her from. I think it scared both of them. So he just held her and
kissed her on the forehead. And in those kisses I think he hoped to extract
whatever pain it was she was feeling.

And I think it worked. For a few minutes after, his glossy eyes told me she wasn’t alone
wherever her mind was. Dave was with her now – but in his head, he was searching for
her. And I don’t know if he ever found her.

You can love someone with all your being.
But that love will never be understood fully by anyone but yourself.

I think that thought scares people. But even worse, the thought of them not having that
person scares them even more. For me – it’s just been friendships.

That’s all that’s even been asked of me, and I give it freely and lovingly.

But when I read those words and heard that song – and even in the presence of
friends and with the knowledge that I have a lot of people in my life – I felt completely
isolated from the world.

What makes me feel special are the special people in my life.
But sometimes you forget, because time has not allotted much interaction these days.

Sometimes you forget how special you are.
And you just need to be reminded.

My words dance on this page, forming flowing ideas from incoherent rambling in my
head. It’s probably the best way for me to evolve my thoughts into writing.

… My heart is in a million different places right now.
… My body is tired from being sick.
… My mind wanders the realms of the dream keepers

And my love belongs to you.

Because I don’t want you to ever feel like I do sometimes. I want you to always know how special you are.
I want you to break away from these sudden attacks, because I love
you and want to protect you.

… Even though I know. Ultimately, I cannot.
So I let you go, with all my love.

Love always,
Ian